Yesterday we got to know that one of my batch mates got featured in a leading financial daily. And it got me so jealous that you can’t even imagine.  I was angry… and I wanted to shoot a sarcy smarty pants reply to some of my friends on the list… but I didn’t… and  for the next few hours… I could only think… “Damn… arrogant, no good, show off”… I recalled memories of this guy during classes… “Mr Know it all”… And the truth is… he wasn’t really talented. Not even good in studies… or in the way he thought about things…Just one of those guys who think they are good.

Maybe that arrogant confident worked for him…. Maybe it was pure luck that he got into assignments that propelled him forward… the truth is… I don’t think he deserves any of the accolades, promotions, assignments that he has been getting.

And I on the other hand… was the one winning all the case study competitions, all the debates, writing all the thought papers, and here I am, writing about being “detached” about my work.  

I felt ashamed of myself.  I felt like a loser hippocrite.

I was always unsure about the work I was doing… I have a feeling that I can do much more… and that my talent is not being used enough…but then… I never felt confident enough in my so-called talent to fight the system. I’ve never felt angry enough at not getting my due… and saying.. “Chuck it… your loss..” and then going and doing something so groundbreaking that it made everyone stand up and take notice.

I have just drifted along. I have adjusted…. Tried to look for positives… tried to be content, balancing everything in life. H, our life, our weekends, our health. On most days, this philosophy works. But on other days.. when I hear about fancy designations… and better work being dished out to people who I once bettered…it unsettles me.

I miss being that go-getter, I thought I would be, when I was younger. All the little adjustments I make in my routine to accomodate H… begin to rankle me… my role begins to rankle me… at home, and in office.  I rue all  the oppurtunities that I could have taken, and didn’t for one reason or the other.

Somehow, that passion for work has taken a beating. Dunno what has  happened to me… I was never like this! I was competitive, and smart, and fiery, and now I’m just a drifter. Maybe marriage has got something to do with it, but it would be unfair to blame it all on marriage. Its my motivation that’s gone… nothing interests me.

On most days I shrug this feeling aside… because heck… life is enjoyable and sunshiny and nice and I am doing a lot of things away from work that I love. I wish I could feel that way about work too…. and work as hard, as dedicately, as smartly and with as much passion as I could before…

I know I can’t work without passion.  And I don’t know whether to seek balance in my life or focus on that one thing called work. Every time I take sides… I end up missing the other.

What do you think can be done? Have you ever felt this way? What did you do?? Do you think the guys have an advantage??