Sorry guys… took sometime before this post…I’ve been having thoughts and thoughts about “somethings” and though I really wanted to keep this off my blog, I am finally left with no option but to thrash it out.  I am hoping that with writing them down, I will be able to think clearly… coz right now I feel totally muddled!

Ok… so the deal is, that H and me have been discussing starting a family now. We figured that it was the right time…. after a long while H wasn’t stressed about work. After a long while I have settled down in a place 😀 and the home is more or less settled.  H wanted us to start planning 6 months into the marriage (the guy knows nothing about romance I’m telling you!), but then I wasn’t ready and there was so much happening around me already that we decided to wait. And now, when we are both in agreement, H wants us to really take this really seriously…. And on the other hand, I am mentally prepared that it might take a while.  And I just want to … let’s say… take things as they come, without too much planning or without unduely stressing on this particular aspect. Light and easy!

What has happened in the past few days is that I have got some great offers of assignments! Lovely onsite assignments…. New Zealand… Germany… the US…  and I honestly am keen on going. But now with the baby planning thing in my mind… I really don’t know whether I should take these up or no.  I never expected stop doing things that are a part of my job just because we were to start thinking of a family… I meant it to happen… not with a deadline in mind. H on the other hand, differs.  He is fine with short term assignments, but anything over a month and we have different opinions.

To add to that I have to deal with another set of thoughts which are as follows

1. H’s folks are keen on a grandchild, it would make them all really happy… that expectation stresses me out.

2. I don’t want to lose focus of my career. I don’t want to ‘set a tone’ where I am compromising. Would H stop going on client assignments coz we are planning?? Dunno… I have serious doubts.  I don’t want him behaving like an MCP, making a fuss about a couple of months of work.

3. If I don’t travel now… will I get a chance to… with a baby in the picture?

4. My ticking biological clock ( Trust me, I have tried and tried to convince myself that 1 year here or there doesn’t matter…I refuse to get convinced 😦 )

5. There is no surety of how much time it takes to concieve.

6. Uncertainty… what if I say yes to an assignment… that is to start in 20 days… then come to know that I am to have a baby… how will I handle that situation…..?

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that some of this is Gender Equality related. I call it my, “Career woman: I have equal rights” perception. I don’t want to be the girl who is seen as someone who ‘sacrificed’ her career for her family. I’ve worked hard to get to the place I am. I want to continue doing well. I am not able to stomach the fact that being a woman, my career has to take a back seat, or that I have to curb my aspirations to balance other aspects of my life, when the guy just goes about his normal routine and behaves like his work is “really important”… he just “has to” travel to places… just ‘has to’ stay back late and is just ‘too tired’ or ‘too stressed’ for career unrelated things, while I go about making teeny tiny adjustments each day that eat up more and more into my work time.

This loosely is the jumble of thoughts I’m entangled in, right now. Maybe this is the state of confusion life is going to be in for some time…. the typical working woman dilemma :-/

What do you guys say??

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