Notes to Myself


In keeping with the positivity that is spilling over from my last post… just feel like adding some lessons learnt and stuff that I would do differently.

(On a side note…. I hope some of you guys still come to visit my blog…. I know I went into hibernation… and obviously you guys don’t have all the time for me to spring back 🙂 but still keeping the fingers crossed! )

So hum kahaan the? Hum yahaan the…the things I would change

1. Okay I have discovered, through the keen observations of the lovely H ( who says guys can’t be addressed as lovely! :D) , and futile negations on my part… that I have a tendency to stretch the truth….a teeny weeny bit… And to adjust the truth… a teeny weeny bit too. Like once, we were to receive H’s mom at the airport and we were running …errr.. late…. and while we were still on our way, her flight landed, she came out of the terminal, and realised that there was no one to receive her… and she started calling.  We were still a good 30 mins away and here  I was reassuring her that we would be there in 15 mins! And while H is looking at me quizzically ( he has given me the estimate for 30 min.. just a min back) .. not to add, he is the one driving… 🙂 I continue to coolly reassure her… and then hang up.  I stretch the truth without even realising it at times… .and it is mostly to get out of a sticky situation / not offend anyone… the works. So, that has to stop in 2011. The mantra is … say it as it is…. And I’ve realised that is saves you from a lot of useless lies and explanations later, which further complicate things.

2. I’m going to stop being nice to people who don’t deserve niceness. Now, to start of with, I’m supposed to be one of those star signs that are the frank ” I don’t care if it hurts you, I’m being honest” types. But somewhere during my years of existence… I have picked up the fine art of trying not to hurt people. So I go out of my way to please people I don’t like, because I don’t want to hurt them. And it wearies me, and weighs my soul down. I would be happier exercising my option of associating with people I like.

3. At the same time, I have to learn to distinguish between random cribbing, and deep dislike. I need to become more tolerant of people…. less judgemental…. its a free world. We all have our eccentrities… but that doesn’t take away from the innate value we have as the people we are. And I have to understand and appreciate that more in the coming year. “Investing in people”

4. I have leave my chalta hai waala attitude at work. I have to be aware, alert, finish up stuff. Success and other things aside… I have realised that pending work again wears me down. I come to a point where I am not doing it.. but can’t stop thinking about it… and its a negative place to be in. It just eats up time and has no constructive outcomes. So its going to be all about “Do it now” for 2011

5. And one last thing… and this is the most difficult to achieve…. is to stop creating negativity. When we had moved to B’lore, I had promised myself that our house would be a positive and happy place. It is for most of the times but I do have a tendency to crib and sulk. This coming year… I will led go of this….  I will accept that certain things are ABCs( Areas Beyond Control) and not crib about them. I need to think in terms of solutions, rather than problems. So that is the last one on the list…. “Stop creating negativity”

Among these things.. the others are:

1. Eat out less often

2. Exercise more

3. Quality time with H

4. More books, more trips, more friends

What are yours? Started thinking of them yet?

You know its just so difficult not to take interview results personally!

Yes…. SS had an interview today…. and no… it didn’t work out…

….and that’s fine ( or so I think!)

But its really strange how my mind worked. I reached the office, I got into this smallish building… got into the lift… and I went “No way am I going to work here”…

…I got past the ‘not so impressive’ receptionist… you know… non stylised English types 😀  ( I’m being honest!… don’t judge me!!) and compared it with where I work… the “No” in the “No way” came out stronger

I waited in the waiting area for about 40 min past the scheduled time… and got more dismissive

Got into the interview with these two guys… who just showered questions on questions about some casestudy… the methodology of which is obviously not my area. I knew that I am not the perfect match for this kinda job… and I knew that I wasn’t faring particularly well…

And I kinda knew that it wouldn’t work out… and I wasn’t too enthu to start off with…

…But now, I can’t stop feeling like a fool… imagining myself fielding the questions I was fielding! And a little bruised…

😀

So Like I said… taking something personally which I knew in my heart of hearts wasn’t meant to be! I wasn’t a right match… and I wasn’t to keen either… so Why Am I bothered about it!?!?

But… honestly… I am! 😀 I think its my wee l’il ego that is the culprit.

Note to SS: Remember to stop taking herself so seriously! And the Job interview so lightly!

That’s my gyan for now… till the next one comes along!

I’m at home, recuperating… will be back to work again tomm…

Its very difficult to explain how I’m feeling. There are hours when I’m cheerful, laughing, talking. In those phases I can rationally convince myself about how whatever happens, happens for the best. The past two months have been really trying. I’ve been anxious, and extra careful and google crazy.

… H and I were euphoric. We went about telling the world… and now, the same world faces us again…

… sometimes, like just now… its a trying time… I cannot make this dull ache go away, or not let my eyes mist over…

… there are babies all over facebook…cute, cuddly ones… and it just doesn’t seem fair. H would make such a wonderful dad

Learnt some lessons, putting them down: –

I am most probably going to quit this job, or at least definitely change my team. The new TL turned out to be a totally insensitive woman. Wouldn’t go into the details, but will definitely be shifting out.

Need to wait the first trimester out

Not taking stress, letting things happen in their own time, not trying to control all the aspects of my life

And how H is the most wonderful, caring, sensitive guy ever, and how I am blessed to have him in my life…

The importance of relationships… The importance of older people in the house, just to brighten it up. Its ironical, how we crave our independence, but we still need our parents around, like when we were babies ourselves, to help us come to grips with whatever life is dealing out to us.  To nurture, to comfort, to bring in some perspective…

Okay, I think this will be the last post on this matter, if I can manage it. I need to shake myself up and keep going.

Thanks for all the support and wishes that you sent out guys.. please do keep us in your good thoughts

Today…. ladies n gentlemen… is the 1st of February.  The January blues are officially over… and we have kinda  settled into 2010 and are not  looking at it glumly on the calendar bookmark on our kitchen closet anymore.  Our appraisal and related is over, and the baggage that we were carrying from last year has left.  We are ready to begin on a clean slate, a fresh, nicely scrubbed clean slate, may we add 🙂  

Okay… off with the ‘we’ business now, (I like to do a ‘we’ when I’m counselling myself!)

Though it is February… today I woke up and realised that we are in 2010… realised in the “sit up and take notice” sorta way.  And so, this is when I make my resolutions. This is also a milestone year for me… I will be turned a good round numbered 30. And 30 does seem like such a big deal, no?  I know in my heart that this year is going to be special, and lovely, and happy, and sunshiny and all that.  I feel all geared up and raring to go! 

My BHAGS ( its pronounced “Bee – Hags”…. Big Hairy Audacious Goals)

1. Visit most of the places near Bangalore

2. Lose weight and get fitter

3. Sort my career out

4. Meet more friends,

5. Read more books and Blog more

6. Learn Tamil.

7. Set up the mostly smoothly functioning house!

8. Look and feel beautiful, and dress it up a bit!

9. Sort out my finances

10. Become very independant.

So, in keeping with the general direction of the BHAGs, my agenda for February (trumpets and drum rolls!)

1. I will learn how to drive. Yes, I still can’t take the car out.  Blame it on pa, for not letting me, despite the training, blame it on H for getting me a driver, blame it on me.. for not resisting all the shielding.

2. I will lose 3 kgs.  I am close to my pre-marriage weight…( after trying an trying from the time the “Motu Golchu” incident happened.. that is… two years!) and this month I will be there.

3. H and me will go out of the city on at least two weekends… and take snaps.. and pen our travelogues on this blog 🙂

4. I will blog at least 4 times a week.

5. I will meet all our friends in B’lore  atleast once in this month.

6. I will stop following H around! Yes.. come weekends and as much as the man wants to be left to himself and his ‘movie room’, I follow him around the house with a vengeance! I try and pre plan things for us, and am terrifyingly particular about how things are to be done, and when things are to be done. So that will stop 😀

7. I will pick up that book on Tamil from the bookshelf and actually study from it.

8. I will reach office on time. Finish my office work in office, and not think about it post 7 in the evening..

That’s all for now folks! Wish me luck!

Today I learnt some valuable lessons at work.  But I wish I had continued being stupid.. rather that learning these lessons.  Lessons about office politics.. and working smart…

2009 was a bad year on the work front. I was in a really tough assignment. There was a lot of stress… a lot of working on weekends, and late nights and there were days when I was on the brink of tears… or just on the verge of calling it quits.  It was a very long drawn assignment and it took every ounce of patience I had to stick with it and go through with it. So it was a relief when it finally ended in Nov… and it was a pleasant surprise when I got a great feedback for my work.  It was well deserved because I knew that my appraisal would go of great, because of all the heart, sweat and tears I had put into the assignment.

But life is never really that straightforward… is it? The guy I report to, did not seem to think of it as great. He has been known to favor some people in the team, and that is exactly what he is doing with the appraisal too. And so after hours and hours of discussion that reached a finale today, he handed out the verdict… a rating that was not as great as I had expected it to be…. I was hurt and heart broken… and for a while… I had to literally struggle with controlling my emotions and keeping the tears in check.

I had put in so much of me in the assignment in this past year.. I had sacrificed my social life, ignored my responsibilities to my family, stopped keeping in touch with friends.. all for this project. I was surviving on junk food, putting on weight, compromising on sleep and exercise… in fact, for all practical purposes.. treating my home just like some hotel where one comes in to sleep… and just because of one man’s biases.. and loyalities … and lack of objectivity and honesty… it has all been brushed aside… and some silly excuses had been handed to me, to make my peace with.

So I was walking back home in this state of mind… thinking for the nth time, how I needed to find a new direction in my career… a job I love and a place where my work is respected and appreciated, that I came across two sights. The first one was a long queue of assorted people, waiting in a single file, for their turn to fill up water from a single tap that has been provided at the entrance to our apartment complex. They are labourers and household helps, who stay in hutments close to our building.  They were standing patiently, waiting their turn… willing to share the single resource that had been provided to them.

The second sight I saw was a lady… a labourer, carrying her small child under her arm.. and the cement mix that is used for building, in a shallow dish on her head as she worked… and she was smiling and chatting as she went about it.

I compared my own situation to these two sets of people… like one is wont to, when one is going through a hard time. And I realised, that I was unhappy because I had a choice of leaving, of quitting. The anger and hurt I felt, where partly directed at the injustice of my rating… but the anger was also partly directed at me,  because I felt that I could’ve walked away from his behavior.. and that I did not have to suffer it.  The way I saw it.. I was better qualified and more intelligent than him..and so who was he to put down my effort, my work?

These guys did not have that choice. They have work.. they work. They don’t judge, or expect, or get emotionally attached to their work. They don’t romanticize their suffering, and they don’t take it to heart.  And they go about their work, diligently and yet.. with detachment.

There are a lot of thoughts swimming in my mind right now.  Was I wrong to be attached to work?  And to the expectation that good work will get its rewards? And was I wrong to be disillusioned when it didn’t?  I know that I will try and detach my self from work now and try and work smartly and objectively. But something tells me, that I will miss the naivete of the SS (Sunshinesafar) of the past, her enthusiasm, and working for the pure joy of working.

If someone were to study the trend, I am sure that the statistics would say that women think about weight loss approximately the same number of times in the day as men think of sex 😀 Can someone please provide the exact figures….. oops facts!

It’s funny how when you are thinking of something, that “something” seems to be all around you. I am surrounded by people who have lost, are losing, want to lose weight. I surf the net.. and pop! The pop up for Weightwatcher’s pop’s up…. My best friend pings me to discuss her experiments with cabbage soup.. of the famous Cabbage Soup diet.. and insists that its something to have at least twice a week, though it tastes.. “Yuck”.  It is a real sad state of affairs because even without all this “help”, the thought of weight loss flits across my mind every 10 minutes or so.  It’s like a wily piece of self executing recursive code… the thought comes to my mind, vexes me, perplexes me, then teasingly exits, and then re enters from the other side of my head in just as much time as I try to appease my brain into any kind of sensible thinking, logical reasoning about how I should plan less and exercise more. It’s not funny, I’m telling you…

I happen to be one of those blessed people who are deemed to exercise till they live. The moment I stop hitting the gym, the gym hits back. Truce was called post marriage in this Kurukshetra, when I assumed that now that I am all “settled” in life, I could afford to take it easy, have my piece of cake (literally) and guess what, eat it too… but all such rosy cheeked notions were brought to naught fairly quickly… I went from “Sweety”, and “Baby”… to “Motu” and “Golchu”… overnight! Lovely clothes stopped fitting, the tummy became more difficult to suck in and the people started “wondering” in ways that people usually “wonder” when you have been married for some time.

So guess what…I have been hitting the gym since November, and tracking my weight and exercise at LiveStrong.com ( it’s a great site, try it!) …Such is the state of affairs, that some days back, I went and bought myself a weight loss book too. Yes.. .and which kind of a desperate soul does that??   I check my weight on the bathroom scale every time I see it.. to the point that I think the bathroom scale doesn’t want to spotted anymore 😀  I weigh myself with alarming frequency… Before going to sleep, after waking up, after a bath, before leaving for office, after getting back from office ( the only thing I exercise there is my brain! And that too not so much nowadays 😉 ) and finally before and after the gym.

The speed of my weight loss thoughts .. race, as compared to my weight loss.. and maybe, that’s why they keep returning to catch up with me! God!…Why is gaining weight so much easier than losing weight

Edited to add…

PS : I am not obese… just overweight 😉 Just in case you were wondering. Check the BMI thing for the minute diferrence between the two

PPS : I have managed to lose four kgs in these two months… yippee… so I am not all thought and no exercise either.

Edited to further add..

If I don’t watch out… my blog might just become another Bridget Jones’s Diary :-/