Points to Ponder


So.. the entire first month of 2011 has just gone by without a post. Not such a great start to the year in terms of blogging but well, here I am, back again 🙂

I’m currently travelling and away from home and so have so much more time on my hands! I wonder what I do with all this time when I’m home….  like I was thinking… now, as of this moment, I’m not worried if H is messing up the house… if he has picked up the newspapers strewn around… if the maid is coming … if there are veggies in the fridge! All I know is that its me, in my nice and cozy hotel room… with a great internet connection and a  lot of thoughts that are potential blog posts …

… and to start off… how about this…

We girls tend to start taking ourselves too seriously with each passing milestone in our lives… and if we were to remove ourselves from the situation… we realise that hey… its probably social conditioning!

Like me now, in this far off land… feel and behave and spend my time just that same way as I used too… when I was not married. I am not feeling very “married” right now…. I’m away from all things marriage 😀 starting with the lovely H :p and then the house, and the family and the expectations and etc etc.

But when I’m back… it will be back to being responsible for everything!

I think travelling is letting me preserve my individuality… my space. Its powerful in that with one flight…. I cross a mental age of around 5-6 years and find myself feeling much younger, much lighter.

If it is so easy to leave these responsibilities that come attached with the milestones in our life… I wander why we can’t seem to shake them off when we are “in” the situation?

I wonder..

Advertisements

In keeping with the positivity that is spilling over from my last post… just feel like adding some lessons learnt and stuff that I would do differently.

(On a side note…. I hope some of you guys still come to visit my blog…. I know I went into hibernation… and obviously you guys don’t have all the time for me to spring back 🙂 but still keeping the fingers crossed! )

So hum kahaan the? Hum yahaan the…the things I would change

1. Okay I have discovered, through the keen observations of the lovely H ( who says guys can’t be addressed as lovely! :D) , and futile negations on my part… that I have a tendency to stretch the truth….a teeny weeny bit… And to adjust the truth… a teeny weeny bit too. Like once, we were to receive H’s mom at the airport and we were running …errr.. late…. and while we were still on our way, her flight landed, she came out of the terminal, and realised that there was no one to receive her… and she started calling.  We were still a good 30 mins away and here  I was reassuring her that we would be there in 15 mins! And while H is looking at me quizzically ( he has given me the estimate for 30 min.. just a min back) .. not to add, he is the one driving… 🙂 I continue to coolly reassure her… and then hang up.  I stretch the truth without even realising it at times… .and it is mostly to get out of a sticky situation / not offend anyone… the works. So, that has to stop in 2011. The mantra is … say it as it is…. And I’ve realised that is saves you from a lot of useless lies and explanations later, which further complicate things.

2. I’m going to stop being nice to people who don’t deserve niceness. Now, to start of with, I’m supposed to be one of those star signs that are the frank ” I don’t care if it hurts you, I’m being honest” types. But somewhere during my years of existence… I have picked up the fine art of trying not to hurt people. So I go out of my way to please people I don’t like, because I don’t want to hurt them. And it wearies me, and weighs my soul down. I would be happier exercising my option of associating with people I like.

3. At the same time, I have to learn to distinguish between random cribbing, and deep dislike. I need to become more tolerant of people…. less judgemental…. its a free world. We all have our eccentrities… but that doesn’t take away from the innate value we have as the people we are. And I have to understand and appreciate that more in the coming year. “Investing in people”

4. I have leave my chalta hai waala attitude at work. I have to be aware, alert, finish up stuff. Success and other things aside… I have realised that pending work again wears me down. I come to a point where I am not doing it.. but can’t stop thinking about it… and its a negative place to be in. It just eats up time and has no constructive outcomes. So its going to be all about “Do it now” for 2011

5. And one last thing… and this is the most difficult to achieve…. is to stop creating negativity. When we had moved to B’lore, I had promised myself that our house would be a positive and happy place. It is for most of the times but I do have a tendency to crib and sulk. This coming year… I will led go of this….  I will accept that certain things are ABCs( Areas Beyond Control) and not crib about them. I need to think in terms of solutions, rather than problems. So that is the last one on the list…. “Stop creating negativity”

Among these things.. the others are:

1. Eat out less often

2. Exercise more

3. Quality time with H

4. More books, more trips, more friends

What are yours? Started thinking of them yet?

The last few days of the year have a way of stirring up all sorts of philosophical questions that beg to be answered. And in keeping with the theme of things, I find myself getting introspective, philosophical… and perpetually in flashback mode

This has really not been a great year for me. Things started on a hopeful note with Jan. With lists, with to – dos… with plans… but somehow, the year hasn’t panned out like I thought.  In a way I am relieved that this year is almost over… I might just be speaking too soon …

I’ve had to deal with a lady boss. I person I have no respect for. And a person I’d be extremely cool to, if I might her outside office.  She pretty much made my 8 hours of work feel really really long… took away all my enthusiasm about my office being a great, fun place and gave me unnecessary work to complete her own KPIs. Not to mention other stuff that I’ve ranted about enough.

Things at the personal front haven’t really worked either, with mom and MIL both going for surgeries… with my own problems with the baby planning and all.

I have also felt at some level exasperated with all the work outside of office that I have had to handle. The home, the maids, the errands…

And then I have been frequently sick and blah and blah and blah

Almost feels like kisi ki nazar lag gayi thi. I feel bruised somehow. But I’m nursing myself back to health!

To be fair… its not all been gloomy either…. we have still had our share of fun, thanks to our awesome friends. I know that very few of them read this blog and don’t even know that I am talking about them… but thank you guys… all of you, for taking our minds off all the nonsense that has been going around us… for being sounding boards.. .and party freaks… and funny … and silly… for bringing sunshine into our hearts and home. Everyone had troubles…but we handheld each other through them…we love you. 🙂

And I think I have derived the maximum support from my parents. To lighten up heavy moments, to bring a sense of perspective when it went missing, for cheering me up, for listening to my cribbing, for sending us things all the way from Delhi, and for prayers and blessing

Okay, now I’m feeling a leeetle cheered up… there are some good things that happened too!

1. I lost weight 🙂

2. We went on trips – Assam, Pune, South of India

3. More of our friends moved to B’lore

4. We bought some material goods

5. I learnt how to drive

6. And despite all the bloddy obstacles, I have completed my KRAs and KPIs. 

Hope that 2011 may be a beautiful, happy, sunshiny, sparkly year for all of us 🙂

You know…. am not the type of person who really makes friends virtually… but I am really feeling the love! 🙂

Thanks you guys! It feels amazing when you rant away and get hugged and be told that things will be okay… ofcourse they will be! And while they are still not so good… I know I have you guys to count on… for bringing sunshine

<< Hugs back>>  ( from a soooooper emo SS)

I sometimes exasperate myself with my own reactions to things…. I have these moments of glory.. where I introspect… and I realise that I really am not so sure on my own motivations for doing/not doing things.

Like for example… I marvel the people who are able to give their all to their careers. I’m jealous of their high profile lives, of their Blackberry phones and the extent of their responsibilities and the importance of the work they do. I would love to be that kind of person. I think I am in love with that image. That I have the qualifications to launch me into such a lifestyle makes things more difficult…. because one compares with ones peers and batchmates and one realises that one’s pace at reaching somewhere in one’s career… is just too slow.

One = SS 🙂

But then I also marvel women who just chuck the career… and decide to stay at home.  From my perspective, it takes an extremely secure or an extremely naive woman to do that. And I realise that I am neither.

I derive my sense of self from my work away from home. My individuality comes from my interactions with people outside of home, who give me a new perspective to things. If I ever had to sit at home… am sure I’d turn into a TV watching zombie with no self respect. So to me… leaving the career aside exudes power… it sends out the message that “hey.. I know what I want … I have nothing to prove”. 

Whereas I at some level, feel that I have to something to prove.. .that just my existing isn’t enough. I try and remember that there is more to me than my job… that I am a friendly, charming (cough.. cough), individual, a good friend, a great wife ( triple cough) and an awesom daughter / DIL.

Maybe its the societal pressure on woman… its weird… there is a pressure to conform… and there is a pressure to break the norm too! So poor people like me.. who like the best of both worlds… find themselves in justification mode at all times! Or in introspective mode!

I also marvel the women who are comfortable in their husbands’ success. I still need my own limelight for the reasons stated above.

I’ve been going on and on about this because of all the Worthless people, worthless work nonsense. I am trying to look out, but  somewhere deep inside … I’m so in my comfort zone with the company I work for. I don’t know what type of job to look for… the stretch job.. with the limelight… or the cool job.. with the work life balance?

Also… the “happening” job that would leave my colleagues in awe… or predictable… “gets me my daily bread, butter AND jam” types.

I sometimes wonder whether this job related introspection will ever get somewhere… or am I destined to feel dissatisfied with my career options for life! 😀

Now… my mom… an intensely spiritual and philosophical person that she is… believes that I should just go with the flow…. but I have realised… that I am a planning freak… and that I have to HAVE To have all things ironed out before I embark on any new process.

… which is a dilemma…. 😦

Its a long post… and if you guys are still with me…. what do you think?? 🙂

Remember I told you guys that my best friend N is going away from India for like a 1.5 – 2 years?

Am sooooooper excited because I am using up the April 2- Good Friday long weekend and going to meet her! And I know it will be fun!

You know, as much as one feels happy about being married and living the good life with H, I still have these “longings” for things as they were pre-marriage ( Don’t ask me why… I’m crazy!) And as I have observed, these revolve around two things…..

1. Lack of male attention ( SS looks left – right furtively, to make sure no one looking at her sheepish expression waala face)

2. “Being my own person” – another theme I totally dig!

Ok, by my own submission, I have been the grateful (and haughty on most days!) receiver of a lot of attention of the male kind. I know am not being humble… trust me, am trying to!! Obviously post marriage, that “attention” has diminished. I really don’t know how guys make these things out? Its a part of their highly sophisticated female tracking system, methinks…. Face scan… retina scan… clothes scan… and kaboom!!!….Branded “Married”.

 How???

Obviously I am feeling pretty “ghar ka murgi” types right now.. or maybe I would’nt have written this post ..or if nothing else works we can always blame in on the hormones…I could really use an ego boost about my desirability! So any attention coming, from some intense sounding, filmy, Dark Handsome guy…. totally welcome! 😀

Ofcourse … I might add… all of the attentions will be ignored… me being happily married to H and all that. So ofcourse there is no incentive for any one who wishes to bestow their attentive gaze.. except for the nirmal aanand of the act of bestowing that gaze….”The journey is the reward”

Sigh!

But I digress….

Now to the main topic…..

The next lovely pleasant little thought that plays hide and seek with my mind is … “Being my own person”

You know… when one starts out in relationship, one is dying to be owned 🙂 Girl Friends go gaga over “possessive” boyfriends. Ofcourse.. that  passes… and suddenly you are back to craving your independance. Now the people who read my blog .. know that I happen to be a pretty sincere wife.  No seriously… I am! (ok… go ask H! :-/ )

In fact, I really wish at times that I was more selfish…. am not.  I get hassled with us having a lovely place to stay… about being relatively sociable.. about what we eat and our plans… and crazy as it sounds… sometimes I remember those times when I just thought of me myself alone.  There are soooo many things to balance now! The family, with festivals.. with relatives and friends and us.   Those were hassle free days… coz obviously I was caring for one person only…

…”Me”

😀

And so… I am going on a Girl’s Only holiday.  I am really really looking forward to it. I love Pune! loooooovvvee it! Ohhh the vada pavs, the misal pavs, the dabeli…. Marzorin….MG Road, JM Road, FC road.  The plan comprises “Eating” and “Shopping”  and random walks down memory lane 🙂

It will be back to “Being my own person” atleast for weekend!  Sometimes you can have the best of both worlds

..that being married to H…

..and being in Pune…. and rocking it.. with my best friend!

((happy smiles.. and Ms India type hand waving to the general audience)

😀 😀 😀

Thanks a lot for all your inputs guys.  Everything made a lot of sense… we guys (the H and I) did sit down and talk about things 🙂 Our expectations, wishes and aspirations, and it did help sort out matters.

I have asked to be staffed on the assignment post our vacation ( did I tell you guys… we are going on a vacation in April! North East of India 🙂 ) . So I wait to see if the other concerned people are okay with this… coz they would’ve liked me to have taken this up March end.  So lets see how that goes. Needless to add… you guys will know! 🙂

On a different note..It looks like its Travel Time in the Sunshine Home ( loved calling it that 🙂 ) H has been asked to travel too! To Europe.  I am gung ho about it… but of course it is his decision to make. 

And on another totally different note ( I’m short of ideas!) I had a totally totally boring weekend!  Ever felt so bored that you’re head ached? Happened to me.  Despite everything I tried! 

I tried…

1. Two new recipes : Granola Bars and Five Minute microwave cake.  Both successes if I may add  (ahem!)

2. I set every thing worthy of being set in order… in order

3. We went out for dinner

4. I watched 4 movies on TV

5.. and I slept….

6. .. and read … ” My name is Rajnikanat”.. about who else… Rajni saar himself :p

and yet I was bored. B-O-R-E-D!

Its so strange with human nature. We continuously want a change in pace. I normally love my “Me” time. I love watching old Hindi movies, love trying out new dishes, love reading, love cleaning up the house! ( am I sounding too domesticated??) and yet.. this weekend.. all that time was just too much! Infact, I think I like weekdays better than weekends 😀

Again… another strange thing with me is… that I normally love phonecalls… but then there are days… that I can’t stand the phone ringing!

And then there are days I love chatting on messaging clients… and then there are days… that I grudge every single person who pings me.

And then there are days I love travel.. and days I hate it.

Am sure everybody has these phases 🙂 Or maybe am special :p Do you guys have any such phases…? Care to share?

Yesterday we got to know that one of my batch mates got featured in a leading financial daily. And it got me so jealous that you can’t even imagine.  I was angry… and I wanted to shoot a sarcy smarty pants reply to some of my friends on the list… but I didn’t… and  for the next few hours… I could only think… “Damn… arrogant, no good, show off”… I recalled memories of this guy during classes… “Mr Know it all”… And the truth is… he wasn’t really talented. Not even good in studies… or in the way he thought about things…Just one of those guys who think they are good.

Maybe that arrogant confident worked for him…. Maybe it was pure luck that he got into assignments that propelled him forward… the truth is… I don’t think he deserves any of the accolades, promotions, assignments that he has been getting.

And I on the other hand… was the one winning all the case study competitions, all the debates, writing all the thought papers, and here I am, writing about being “detached” about my work.  

I felt ashamed of myself.  I felt like a loser hippocrite.

I was always unsure about the work I was doing… I have a feeling that I can do much more… and that my talent is not being used enough…but then… I never felt confident enough in my so-called talent to fight the system. I’ve never felt angry enough at not getting my due… and saying.. “Chuck it… your loss..” and then going and doing something so groundbreaking that it made everyone stand up and take notice.

I have just drifted along. I have adjusted…. Tried to look for positives… tried to be content, balancing everything in life. H, our life, our weekends, our health. On most days, this philosophy works. But on other days.. when I hear about fancy designations… and better work being dished out to people who I once bettered…it unsettles me.

I miss being that go-getter, I thought I would be, when I was younger. All the little adjustments I make in my routine to accomodate H… begin to rankle me… my role begins to rankle me… at home, and in office.  I rue all  the oppurtunities that I could have taken, and didn’t for one reason or the other.

Somehow, that passion for work has taken a beating. Dunno what has  happened to me… I was never like this! I was competitive, and smart, and fiery, and now I’m just a drifter. Maybe marriage has got something to do with it, but it would be unfair to blame it all on marriage. Its my motivation that’s gone… nothing interests me.

On most days I shrug this feeling aside… because heck… life is enjoyable and sunshiny and nice and I am doing a lot of things away from work that I love. I wish I could feel that way about work too…. and work as hard, as dedicately, as smartly and with as much passion as I could before…

I know I can’t work without passion.  And I don’t know whether to seek balance in my life or focus on that one thing called work. Every time I take sides… I end up missing the other.

What do you think can be done? Have you ever felt this way? What did you do?? Do you think the guys have an advantage??

Next Page »