Raves and rants about work


The last few days of the year have a way of stirring up all sorts of philosophical questions that beg to be answered. And in keeping with the theme of things, I find myself getting introspective, philosophical… and perpetually in flashback mode

This has really not been a great year for me. Things started on a hopeful note with Jan. With lists, with to – dos… with plans… but somehow, the year hasn’t panned out like I thought.  In a way I am relieved that this year is almost over… I might just be speaking too soon …

I’ve had to deal with a lady boss. I person I have no respect for. And a person I’d be extremely cool to, if I might her outside office.  She pretty much made my 8 hours of work feel really really long… took away all my enthusiasm about my office being a great, fun place and gave me unnecessary work to complete her own KPIs. Not to mention other stuff that I’ve ranted about enough.

Things at the personal front haven’t really worked either, with mom and MIL both going for surgeries… with my own problems with the baby planning and all.

I have also felt at some level exasperated with all the work outside of office that I have had to handle. The home, the maids, the errands…

And then I have been frequently sick and blah and blah and blah

Almost feels like kisi ki nazar lag gayi thi. I feel bruised somehow. But I’m nursing myself back to health!

To be fair… its not all been gloomy either…. we have still had our share of fun, thanks to our awesome friends. I know that very few of them read this blog and don’t even know that I am talking about them… but thank you guys… all of you, for taking our minds off all the nonsense that has been going around us… for being sounding boards.. .and party freaks… and funny … and silly… for bringing sunshine into our hearts and home. Everyone had troubles…but we handheld each other through them…we love you. 🙂

And I think I have derived the maximum support from my parents. To lighten up heavy moments, to bring a sense of perspective when it went missing, for cheering me up, for listening to my cribbing, for sending us things all the way from Delhi, and for prayers and blessing

Okay, now I’m feeling a leeetle cheered up… there are some good things that happened too!

1. I lost weight 🙂

2. We went on trips – Assam, Pune, South of India

3. More of our friends moved to B’lore

4. We bought some material goods

5. I learnt how to drive

6. And despite all the bloddy obstacles, I have completed my KRAs and KPIs. 

Hope that 2011 may be a beautiful, happy, sunshiny, sparkly year for all of us 🙂

You know its just so difficult not to take interview results personally!

Yes…. SS had an interview today…. and no… it didn’t work out…

….and that’s fine ( or so I think!)

But its really strange how my mind worked. I reached the office, I got into this smallish building… got into the lift… and I went “No way am I going to work here”…

…I got past the ‘not so impressive’ receptionist… you know… non stylised English types 😀  ( I’m being honest!… don’t judge me!!) and compared it with where I work… the “No” in the “No way” came out stronger

I waited in the waiting area for about 40 min past the scheduled time… and got more dismissive

Got into the interview with these two guys… who just showered questions on questions about some casestudy… the methodology of which is obviously not my area. I knew that I am not the perfect match for this kinda job… and I knew that I wasn’t faring particularly well…

And I kinda knew that it wouldn’t work out… and I wasn’t too enthu to start off with…

…But now, I can’t stop feeling like a fool… imagining myself fielding the questions I was fielding! And a little bruised…

😀

So Like I said… taking something personally which I knew in my heart of hearts wasn’t meant to be! I wasn’t a right match… and I wasn’t to keen either… so Why Am I bothered about it!?!?

But… honestly… I am! 😀 I think its my wee l’il ego that is the culprit.

Note to SS: Remember to stop taking herself so seriously! And the Job interview so lightly!

That’s my gyan for now… till the next one comes along!

You know…. am not the type of person who really makes friends virtually… but I am really feeling the love! 🙂

Thanks you guys! It feels amazing when you rant away and get hugged and be told that things will be okay… ofcourse they will be! And while they are still not so good… I know I have you guys to count on… for bringing sunshine

<< Hugs back>>  ( from a soooooper emo SS)

I sometimes exasperate myself with my own reactions to things…. I have these moments of glory.. where I introspect… and I realise that I really am not so sure on my own motivations for doing/not doing things.

Like for example… I marvel the people who are able to give their all to their careers. I’m jealous of their high profile lives, of their Blackberry phones and the extent of their responsibilities and the importance of the work they do. I would love to be that kind of person. I think I am in love with that image. That I have the qualifications to launch me into such a lifestyle makes things more difficult…. because one compares with ones peers and batchmates and one realises that one’s pace at reaching somewhere in one’s career… is just too slow.

One = SS 🙂

But then I also marvel women who just chuck the career… and decide to stay at home.  From my perspective, it takes an extremely secure or an extremely naive woman to do that. And I realise that I am neither.

I derive my sense of self from my work away from home. My individuality comes from my interactions with people outside of home, who give me a new perspective to things. If I ever had to sit at home… am sure I’d turn into a TV watching zombie with no self respect. So to me… leaving the career aside exudes power… it sends out the message that “hey.. I know what I want … I have nothing to prove”. 

Whereas I at some level, feel that I have to something to prove.. .that just my existing isn’t enough. I try and remember that there is more to me than my job… that I am a friendly, charming (cough.. cough), individual, a good friend, a great wife ( triple cough) and an awesom daughter / DIL.

Maybe its the societal pressure on woman… its weird… there is a pressure to conform… and there is a pressure to break the norm too! So poor people like me.. who like the best of both worlds… find themselves in justification mode at all times! Or in introspective mode!

I also marvel the women who are comfortable in their husbands’ success. I still need my own limelight for the reasons stated above.

I’ve been going on and on about this because of all the Worthless people, worthless work nonsense. I am trying to look out, but  somewhere deep inside … I’m so in my comfort zone with the company I work for. I don’t know what type of job to look for… the stretch job.. with the limelight… or the cool job.. with the work life balance?

Also… the “happening” job that would leave my colleagues in awe… or predictable… “gets me my daily bread, butter AND jam” types.

I sometimes wonder whether this job related introspection will ever get somewhere… or am I destined to feel dissatisfied with my career options for life! 😀

Now… my mom… an intensely spiritual and philosophical person that she is… believes that I should just go with the flow…. but I have realised… that I am a planning freak… and that I have to HAVE To have all things ironed out before I embark on any new process.

… which is a dilemma…. 😦

Its a long post… and if you guys are still with me…. what do you think?? 🙂

There is something about lady bosses….. something really sad and pathetic…. and I’m sure I have the crummiest one yet

This is a lady who is so insecure about her position… that she has become an insufferable control freak. She wants to be looped in to everything…. keeps asking for updates by the minute… gets upset if you haven’t had a conversation with her for a day…

We guys have a history… the history being my miscarriage. I don’t think I can ever forget how insensitively she behaved. She kept guilt tripping me about all the assignments that the team was losing out on, because  I was unavailable.. about how I wasn’t someone she could count upon because I not be able to finish things… I was fickle and lazy.

I remember requesting her to allow me to work from home when things weren’t going well and she made me go on leave… to the point that I don’t have leaves for Diwali…

And that she had a “1 on 1” with me when I was still nursing my heart.. and body… and drove me to tears telling me that I had not taken tast A to its completion… (and this was while I was still miscarrying!)

…and the bl**dy insensitive b***ch that she is … today she brings up ‘Quarter 2’ in my performance appraisal discussion and tells me how I have not performed at all on X, Y, Z counts and asks me to prepare a list of things I did… to prove her otherwise…

…I’m so angry…. I wish that she gets to pay for this…. that God steps in and teaches her a lesson.

She needs some lessons in humanity and empathy and consideration. Hell… she needs to learn management!! I don’t know why they bring in underqualified people to wreck havoc on the rest.

… I’m going to stop ranting.. and do something… and I will keep you guys posted…

Yesterday we got to know that one of my batch mates got featured in a leading financial daily. And it got me so jealous that you can’t even imagine.  I was angry… and I wanted to shoot a sarcy smarty pants reply to some of my friends on the list… but I didn’t… and  for the next few hours… I could only think… “Damn… arrogant, no good, show off”… I recalled memories of this guy during classes… “Mr Know it all”… And the truth is… he wasn’t really talented. Not even good in studies… or in the way he thought about things…Just one of those guys who think they are good.

Maybe that arrogant confident worked for him…. Maybe it was pure luck that he got into assignments that propelled him forward… the truth is… I don’t think he deserves any of the accolades, promotions, assignments that he has been getting.

And I on the other hand… was the one winning all the case study competitions, all the debates, writing all the thought papers, and here I am, writing about being “detached” about my work.  

I felt ashamed of myself.  I felt like a loser hippocrite.

I was always unsure about the work I was doing… I have a feeling that I can do much more… and that my talent is not being used enough…but then… I never felt confident enough in my so-called talent to fight the system. I’ve never felt angry enough at not getting my due… and saying.. “Chuck it… your loss..” and then going and doing something so groundbreaking that it made everyone stand up and take notice.

I have just drifted along. I have adjusted…. Tried to look for positives… tried to be content, balancing everything in life. H, our life, our weekends, our health. On most days, this philosophy works. But on other days.. when I hear about fancy designations… and better work being dished out to people who I once bettered…it unsettles me.

I miss being that go-getter, I thought I would be, when I was younger. All the little adjustments I make in my routine to accomodate H… begin to rankle me… my role begins to rankle me… at home, and in office.  I rue all  the oppurtunities that I could have taken, and didn’t for one reason or the other.

Somehow, that passion for work has taken a beating. Dunno what has  happened to me… I was never like this! I was competitive, and smart, and fiery, and now I’m just a drifter. Maybe marriage has got something to do with it, but it would be unfair to blame it all on marriage. Its my motivation that’s gone… nothing interests me.

On most days I shrug this feeling aside… because heck… life is enjoyable and sunshiny and nice and I am doing a lot of things away from work that I love. I wish I could feel that way about work too…. and work as hard, as dedicately, as smartly and with as much passion as I could before…

I know I can’t work without passion.  And I don’t know whether to seek balance in my life or focus on that one thing called work. Every time I take sides… I end up missing the other.

What do you think can be done? Have you ever felt this way? What did you do?? Do you think the guys have an advantage??

Work front news. This year has started with me being super low on motivation. I have no will to come to office and every day I am in two minds between calling in sick, and leaving for work.  I wish I could shake myself up and just get all the pending things, all the deadlines done with, but somehow, there always seems to be something more interesting that I could be doing… heck… even cleaning up the house seems more fun! 🙂

It’s come to a point where I look at all the stay at home women, mom’s, grannies, kids… and I wish I could just leave my job this minute, and begin to have the leisurely, cozy, stressfree existence that these ladies seem to be enjoying… Its bright and sunny here in B’lore… and I’m in a super philosophical phase as well. I have a lot of unsettled thoughts buzzing around in my mind right now and I need to anchor them somewhere. The only place I can think of is.. the Blog

..like now…I am thinking of the lovely prospect of sitting out in the balcony, with the sun on my back … I want to prop my feet up to warm them in the rays of the sun… and I want to read books…and then nod off to sleep right there… warm as toast … Ah…see, I’m feeling happier already! I want to day dream… and pick up thoughts at random from my mind, and I want to ponder on them at leisure, sometimes with detachment, sometimes with regret, sometimes with contentment

I want to go for long drives, with Hubby driving… comfortable in the quiet that we share… balmy breeze, on wide, smooth roads, with open farms on each side, where the eye gets to see as far as it can.

Maybe even a nice long train journey, its been ages since I last went on one… the rattle of the train, the rhymthic movement of the bogies, the constant hum of the combined voices of many people, and in the distance, out of the window, hills, valleys, meadows, farms, cows, scarecrows, solitary huts, haystacks.. farmers.

Why do I have to be sitting in this office? With a crazy insecure manager, with ratings that do not justify the work I had done, in conditioned, circulated stale air and artificial “natural” lights, when life beckons… when there is so much to learn, to experience, to see? When I was much younger, I had these thoughts about “enjoying” the work that I was doing… and now it seems like, I am just working to enjoy. Its ironical… because with the schedules I keep, work is taking the enjoyment out of everything.

 Such is life!

Dunno if all of you out there feel the same way… but I have these phases when I hate work… and then phases when I love work.

I’m going through my hate work phase nowadays… 🙂

There are a number of things that can have brought this phase upon me this time round.. its a brand new year and I’m suffering from January Blues. My mom is here and I just feel like being with her all the time. Its the first time in some years that we have had this sort of extended time together, and the way it is with me and mom, however much we talk, we don’t ever run out of topics (touchwood!). And finally I seem to be blessed with a manager who believes in micromanagement… and after two years of working from a client site, I just can’t get used to the idea of his “presence” all around.

I also happen to be a person, who always has very strong views and ideas about how one should work. Like I’m never really satisfied till I’m working with full attention and focus… and I’m so distracted nowadays! I hate it when deadlines come up when I’m in my distracted space. I just cannot respect them at all.. and feel really annoyed with myself.

Today I was walking around the office, and noticed quite a few people really wrapped up in their work. Was I jealous… AND curious. And strangely, I see it happen mostly with the guys.  Maybe I am trying to generalise, but somehow, the guys do not seem so distracted when they are at work. They seem to know their priorities, and deadlines. Us girls do have a lot of things that occupy our minds… ( and we do multitask better!).. and I personally feel very dissatisfied, when I am unable to show a Guy like dedication to work.

Sometimes I even suspect, that this is just a smart cover up with the guys, and maybe, that intense concentration might just be on the game of Farmville!  Maybe I’m just being too honest here! 😀

Right now, all I want to do is to come to office and blog… let my thoughts run wild. Play with ideas, and imagery…I just don’t know when this drifty phase will end.. am I thankful that I blog!