The funnies of my life


Every body I meet, progressively tells me that my “glow”… i.e. the glow on my face has reduced..

I was told this in Delhi 1 month back by some crazy idiot of a guy… who thot he could say it and get away with it… ( he did! I was too shocked to respond)

And I was told this 5 min back by “the Venkat”… the guy who adds a “the” before every word.. in a sentence… who in his supreme wiseness has advised me to drink lots of water and has spent the last 10 min boasting about his 50 inch lcd tv, his freezer and washing machine and his big bed (!!!)

( Like a traditional bharatiya naari and all that… I have at this point… slipped a reference to “the poor husband” back in India)

 I can’t believe the jokers I work with!

But going back to the glowing facts…. at the rate my glow is going away …and by virtue of the fact that I still feel that I’m somwhat “Glowy”… I’m feeling very “Halogen lamp”ish… I must have been really bright at some time…. but my glow is reducing..

((Sighs loudly))

What is with the world?!?!?

No.. this one is not about me baring all and daring all about my various passwords.. 😀

It is about my uncanny ability to forget passwords…. and an even more amazing ability to remember them when I have successfully locked out all my accounts!

The Internet is to be blamed for all this password menace. Before the Internet came into our lives, the only password we ever needed was to open the door to the cave of the 40 thieves of the “Ali Baba and 40 thieves” fame…. and that password was no great shakes either… “Khul jaa sim sim”.. or “Open sesame”… and lo and behold… the world of treasures opened up… glittering and gleaming, dazzling and blinding!

One password was good enough…

… not now…

I have a password for the blog

…and a password for my twitter account

…and passwords for my 4-5 email ids

…and a password to unlock my computer

…and password to log int my company network

…and passwords for various banking sites

…and passwords to pay mobile bills

…and broadband bills

…and to book tickets to the movies

… or the Indian Railway…

…or to frequent flier programs..

… and suitcases

…and telephones (!!)

…and social networking sites

…and weight loss sites 😦

….(remember any more)

And how creative can one really get with passwords?? Or repetitive or innovative… I tend to engage all my crazy thoughts while I change a password… and so it is obvious that my passwords are so out of the world.. .that I cannot remember them at all when I need to

…and then I try and try… but lock all my accounts…

…and the much later ( when it is of no use ) .. I have “Eureka” moments where all remember all my passwords to the tiniest detail of the last alpha numeric character!

A few more passwords… and you will have me locked out of my own blog.. I’m telling!

There has to be a novel, ingenuous and yet “secret” enough way of remembering them! What do you guys do? Or am I so stressed out that I need special treatment??

Tell me people… is it equally difficult for you??? (Please say yes!)

This is not going to be a narrative post.

…And that is because this 6:30 waking up thing has made life such a blur:-/ Seriously! For the past 5-6 days… I haven’t had the satisfaction of sleeping well.  Somehow, life has become exciting enough for me not to sleep before 11 pm…. and then I jump start my day at 5:45 am! And so I’m just not getting enough sleep… and everyday I say to myself that I will hit the pillow by 10.. but it is not to be…

The result of this blur of activity has been that I have been having Monday morning blues for the entire week ! (:D ) And you thought it was only about Mondays… didya?

So anyways… I reach office… and then a strong shot of caffeine later… I begin to wake up little by little, and by the time I wake up enough to post something… it is lunch time… and then I start going to sleep little by little….. and then one more strong shot of caffeeine, later… I gear up again… only to realise that it is time to go back home.

(…I’m rambling…)

So anyways…back to updates on driving. The driving is proceeding fine… and the highlights of this week have been…

1. Being stranded on the BIG Bad Road (Remember?) with no fuel… and slowly (S-L-O-W-L-Y)… driving the car alone… while the instructor made a dash for the nearest petrol pump.

2. Hitting the clutch at every possible oppurtunity…. I don’t understand why I do that… Its a strange impulse… I don’t know how my brain got programmed that way about the clutch… its really strange.

3. Being told by Cocky Driver… “Madam… steering ko phool ki tarah pakdo” .. if there ever was a vacany for a poetic driving instructor… then this guy would surely qualify 🙂

4. Cocky Driver not coming for 3-4 days in between. He was supposedly out of town… Ofcourse he didn’t think it was worth his while to tell me…. and ofcourse I woke up at 5:45 each day :-/

5. I got my Learner’s License.(yay!) 🙂

I also saw some movies.. and went on a day trip… and felt philosophical about some things while I wasn’t posting…I will write more… but after a caffeine shot! 😀 😀

Btw.. if I’ve got you curious… you could also go and read Part I and Part II of my Driving Stories

Proceeding to recount the proceedings (getting verbose, aren’t we!) of Day 2 and Day 3. 

On Day 1 While hurriedly parting ways.. on Day 1, Crazy Uncle X informs that the class will be taken from 6:30 in the morning henceforth, and that Cocky Driver will be taking the classes.  Enter Cocky Driver…

Day 2: The day of Cocky Monologues

SS receives a missed call at 6:15 in the morning.  SS calls back.  A loud “C’mon Darling..Ai ai ai yo… and something in Kannada” song, wakes her up completely. It is Cocky Driver calling…and this song (!?!?!?)… this is Cocky Driver’s dialer tone …(now you understand why the name??) 😀

Cocky Driver: “Madam, I am coming in 10 min,  madam”

SS: “Okay”

Cocky Driver: “Please note my mobile number, madam”

SS: “Yess Yess” . Obviously, SS has a hangover from yesterday’s class with CUX

SS sleep walks down to the road outside, and waits… Cocky Driver, swerves the trainer car and brings the car to a halt, with utmost panache, matched only by Rajnikant,  just two inches from SS’s toes… SS jumps back… now as alert as ever

Cocky Driver gives his “endearing” betel nut stained smile. “Good morning, madam”

SS smiles back hesitatingly

Cocky Driver now springs out of the Driver’s Seat, again.. with a panache, that can only be matched by the great Rajni saar himself

SS hears these words inside her head as she gingerly steps into the trainer car…. “Kanne…. idhu vaandi, idhu vandi-odha door, adhu sky, adh nila…ha ha ha ha”  – (Oh H does this so much better!!, I can just attempt it! Someone tell me if this is correct or not! I’m trying to say… This is car, this is car’s door, that is sky, that is the moon… ha ha ha ha (menacingly)

SS starts like a s-m-0-0-t-h operatorrr, ignition, clutch, first gear, release clutch slowly, leave brake slowly… car is moving,  SS is feeling totally cool… “hey.. this was easy…” and listening to “Smooth Operator” inside her head loudly now… (he he he)

Cocky Driver, grinning through his betel stained teeth.. “Madam.. ek min.. roko….hand brake ko neeche karo!”. Music stops. Ears alert!

SS tries again with the handbrake down now, takes the car forward, drives around relatively smoothly, until at some god forsaken curve, she is made to stop unceremoniously.

Cocky Driver: “Abhi mein aapka class shuru karta hoon.. dekho… yeh car ka lock hai… ” Pulls the lock up and down and up and down for effect… ” Isko tightly bandh nahi hone se.. car mein noise hota.. khat khat khat khat… bump ke upar jaane toh… car ka darwaaza, khul be sakta… isliye.. isko zor se bandh karna… aisa…” slams the door shut

“Abhi suno, yeh,  seat aisa back and forward hota, adjust karna… kya hai na… sab ka height different hota na.. toh comfortable rehne ka”

“Yeh, light hai, door khulne pe on hota hai… khud bhi on/off kar sakte, left mein off, right mein on” switches light on and off… “light on karke gaadi nahi chalaane ka”

“Car mein, teen type ke oil rehte, brake oil, engine oil, aur petrol. yeh in ka sign hai… engine oil nahi hone, toh engine cheez (SEIZE!)  ho jaata, brake oil fail hone toh… he he he.. apne filmon mein dekha hai na madam… waisa hi.. aur lastly petrol .. issey bharwana padta”

“Yeh wiper, iska teen speed, thoda baarish aane toh, sabse kam speed mein chalana, thoda aur baarish, toh second speed, and bahut zyada baarish hone toh.. yeh, max speed mein”

“Yeh dipper, yeh flash, flash, raat ko overtake karne ke liye, dipper raat ko chalane ke liye”

“Chalo, abhi gaadi phir se start karo”!

SS starts the car feeling highly enlightened. Obviously this is the first time she had heard of all these awesomely amazing gizmos… obviously coz…this is the presumably her Nth time in any car!

Day 2 closes on a promise of “phir milenge chalte chalte”…with SS and CD (Cocky Driver) doing the “phir milenge chalte chalte” dance from “Rab ne bana di jodi”.

….No I’m just kidding

….Seriously! 

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Day 3: The Day of the Big Bad Road

 SS is “up with the lark” again at 6:30. She descends to the road again…calls up the guy with that crazy ring tone…. Winces as she hers “C’mon Darling…something something in Kannada” again.

Cocky Driver: “Hello??” SS hears some doors slamming, random traffic noises in the background

SS: “Where are you? Its 6:30 already” 

(Whenever we are on time… we don’t miss the oppurtunity to make the other party ( the one who is LATE) feel extra lowly. Yes.. that happens 1 in 100 times! 😀 )

Cocky Driver: “Yess Madam, I’m coming in two minutes”

Five minutes later, the same car swerving scene is repeated. Thankfully SS has her toes tucked this time round!  SS gets into the driving seat. Clutch… gear…. release brake… press accelerator…. We are going on the same route as yesterday..

Cocky Driver: ” Idhar se nahi … udhar se chalenge”

SS: ” Okay…” 

A few turns here and there… and SS starts hearing some terrifying sounds, BIG SOUNDS…. BIG horns… like from BIG buses, and BIG trucks.. and other BIG vehicles…

…SS realises that they are heading towards the BIG road!.

SS: “Main road pe jaana hai??”

Cocky Driver turns and gives his trademark smile. SS makes mental note to knock half a dozen of his betelnut stained teeth, next time he tries “cheerful”. But for now.. she drives on..

Its a huge junction where we meet the road… there are few cars.. thankfully.. given the time of the day… but lots of trucks and buses! We are “brake.. clutch … clutch… brake”ing our way through… Cocky Driver is looking slightly worried now… his hand has firmly gripped the steering…and is starting to resemble Crazy Uncle X…

…and then….

…. the car just switches off. A loud vibration… and then peaceful silence.  The car is standing in the middle of the junction… like a poor lost cow stranded on the highway.. with vehicle zipping past and people honking! 

… I now know how cows feel…

…when I’m “Independant”… smoothly driving around the towns and and villages of Karnataka.. (in a style that can only be matched by Rajni saar.. may I add)…. I vow… I WILL NEVER HONK AT A COW.  Yeh meri “Partigya” hai!

So anyways.. we restarted car… CD did some typical CUX antics.. driving car from passenger side and all that.. And we slowly moved… and got back to the more homely familiar and loving roads close to home. In restrospect… I loved it! Maybe we should do this more often!

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Day 4:  No fancy title thought yet

As I’m typing this post… I have strange feeling that CD might not turn up today!…

Will he… won’t he…??

Will we go the Big Bad Road again…. Will SS ever drive  with the same panache like Rajni saar? Will she ever be able to touch up her makeup.. and take calls while driving….

….we’ll just have to wait… and watch this space..

(Walks away… singing… “Baabu…. baabu.. samajho ishaare… horan pukaare… rum pum pum… yahaan… chalti ko gaadi.. kehte hain yaaron… rum pum pum)

If you’ve read some of my previous posts, you would know  “Being Independant” and ” Not bugging H” has been high on the agenda this year. Normally our weekly weekly fights around this theme, end up with me in Room1 : Channel Surfing on TV… and H in Room2: Movie surfing on his laptop ( 😀 ya, we are a busy couple.. we don’t get the time to fight on weekdays!). This weekend however…(pause to build suspense), things took a different turn… a turn… towards the phone.

Now.. I know that all our arguments are justified from both sides. H likes his weekends easy going.. and I like mine “Full of Purpose”.  I know that I try to monopolise his time on weekends but, I have always thought that he complains about it, in an indulgent sort of way, and that he needs all my coercion to get out of his inertia.  There is romance in dependance… a feeling of being there… and caring for each other… don’t you think??

So anyways, obviously H doesn’t think so.. and so we were in the middle of our weekly weekly argument, when it dawned on me… that.. heck… I didn’t want to be listening to this every weekend!  It was time for girl power! Time to show my attitude!  I was angry… and I really wanted to be in a position, where I could say.. Fine… I’m going to live my life, my style now…just the way it was before marriage… To hell with everything else!

 So… I finally did something that I had no intention or hope of being able to do..

… I picked up the phone…

…and called …

..the Driving School… (!!)

😀

Yes people!  The driving school! LOL!… And so yours truly is learning driving at the ripe old age of 29!  And this is how it has been so far…

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Day 0 : Day of  “Yess Yess”

I had called the driving school on a Sunday.  Got the number from a visiting card, that came with our daily newspaper. Spoke with someone, who seemed to have no idea of what I was saying..

SS: “Hi, Is this  ABC Driving School”

Crazy Uncle X: “Yess Yess”

SS:  “I wanted to learn driving… want to enrol in a class at your school”

Crazy Uncle X: “Yess Yess”

SS: “Will it be possible to start tommorrow?”

Crazy Uncle X: “Yess Yess”

SS: “Okay… what is your fee like”

Crazy Uncle X: “2500”

SS: “How many days” (Ermmmm…. aren’t you supposed to be trying to be saying more to make me join… one murga is phasoed… and if you don’t say something soon enough.. she will.. “FLEE??” .. No no… not this murga.. not this time…)

 H is keenly listening to conversation… SS shows the most aloof, haughty… “look I’m independant” air

Crazy Uncle X: “8 days”

SS: “Ok… but I want a longer schedule”

Crazy Uncle X: “Okay 3500… 17 days”

SS: <<Phew>> “Okay… tomorrow, 9:30 am?”

Crazy Uncle X: “Another time madam??”

SS: “9:00??”

Crazy Uncle X: “Yess yess”

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Day 1: Day of the Crazy Old Uncle and the War on Wheels

No one turns up at 9… no one turns up at 9:30 either… so much for the “yess yess”. SS decides to call Crazy Uncle X

SS: “Hi, this is SS, I spoke with you yesterday about the class from today”

Crazy Uncle X: ( Guess what…) “Yess Yess”

SS: “Ermmm…. nobody has come yet, is anybody coming”?

Crazy Uncle X: “Yess yess”

SS: “When?”

Crazy Uncle X: “10 min madam”

SS: “Okay…”

10:30… no body has turned up yet. SS calls again

SS: “Yess Yess.. I spoke with you about an hour back”

Crazy Uncle X: “Yess Yess… madam driver cannot come… 5:30 is fine?”

SS : “Yess Yess, Any time is fine now. Please just send him”

At 5:30 SS spots the ABC  trainer car, with a cranky and strict looking old man inside.  Crazy Uncle X has wild gray hair and moustache.. is slim built… is wearing  grey corduray trousers, a full sleeve shirt and a half sleeve sweater. SS thinks to herself.. looks decent… much better dressed than driving school instructors. 

Turns out.. the guy is MAD… he is the manager of the place.. and has sensed that this murga is getting angstsy and readying to flee, and so has come personally to “Seal the deal”. He is also very proudly… giving me a token “free of charge” class.

Next scene… WAR at the steering wheel.. Crazy Uncle X is pulling the steering wheel it in one direction… SS is pulling it in the other… SS releases clutch.. but someone has  a foot on it.  SS doesn’t brake, but the car brakes and restarts.  It is virtually like there is a ghost in the car. No it isn’t… its only CUX ( Crazy Uncle X)!! He has been ghost driving the car all this while, while SS is sitting at the wheel looking all self important!

Fifteen minutes into this “lesson”.. and SS  is tired.  She lets the CUX drive sitting in the passenger seat next to her.  Crazy Uncle X drives like a maniac across busy junctions, straining his body to hold the steering wheel from the passenger side, presses and releases clutches and breaks at will.. with now an equally crazy SS pressing the acceleration at will!!!  Finally after a rocking car ride… (hopefully for him as well..) he hurriedly collects the advance, and leaves without receipt.

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And so the tryst with becoming “Independant” continues!

Obviously will keep you guys updated on more! Till then, pray that I know my brakes from the accelator and don’t dabao the clutch on speedbreakers! Btw, don’t you think B’lore has too many of them??

PS: Also H is out of town on work… so I want to be flaunting my skills when he is back. Maybe we need to find something else to fight about! (Smiles wickedly.. and starts walking away towards the  car) 

Update: Mood is cheerful now. In fact, mood returned to cheerful soon after writing the last post 🙂 Blogging about it did help.

Btw.. a B’lated “Very Happy Republic Day” to you all! Hope you guys had a fun filled holiday.  We did !

I present to you our Republic day story…. but first.. the context…

The problem of being a working couple is that you are so used to 5 days of work and a 2 day weekend.. that when you are confronted with the prospect of getting one more day in the week off.. you are so confused! You don’t know whether you should plan a “getaway”.. and when you try to.. you realise that it is too late to plan, as all the hotels are booked .. and there is no company as all your friends have flown away to exotic destinations (read mumbai). Then you decide that you’ll “chill” at home.. only to realise that chilling at home gets boring after chilling for 40 hrs of a long weekend 😀 and then finally… you seek recourse in long drive plans down familiar highway roads to familiar eating joints to break the monotony (how ironic!)

And so.. in keeping with our favorite thing to do…we drove down to A2B on the B’lore-Chennai highway for dosa. Now A2B on that road is not exactly the best place for food… its a highway restaurant. And the one thing you learn when you start living in the south of the country is that dosa is not an “all time” menu item. At breakfast, you get breakfast time items.. at lunch you get “Meals”… in the evening, you get ‘Tiffin” items and then for dinner… guess what.. you get “Meals” again.  I have a theory around this… somehow Northies are satisfied and satiated with a Dosa or a Chole Bhature as a meal any time of the day, but apparently Southies like their food structured 😀  No rice… no lunch…. no rice… no dinner…. and all the assorted delicious things that most North Indians are used to.. like idlis and dosa, and utthapam and pongal.. are either breakfast or tiffin 🙂

When we reached it was lunch time… and so.. no dosa…and so then we had to order 2 south indian meals. Food and a Nimboos each later.. we were sauntering down to our car.. when I saw a very familiar face.. in googles… ( I’d call them googles.. coz.. they weren’t the ubercool shades that celebs wear.. or the nouveau riche in south Delhi… they were googles… like in the eye popping out goofy smiley  in MSN chats.. something like  )  And it turned out that this was a friend of mine, whom I had met through a common friend some 4 years back in the UK… and who I was now meeting in an A2B, near a place called SAPPADI.. LOL!

Hubby was introduced.. and we proceeded to chat a bit.. during which H realises that the man has a pronounced Bengali accent and the lady has a pronounced Oriya accent…  trust H to notice these sort of things, but then he has been an Indiafarer for all his life. Anyway… after a little small talk… we bid farewell to them, promising to meet up in B’lore later.

And then the funnies struck 🙂 And H began to sing all sorts of Bengali songs ( songs unheard of even by bengali themselves.. obviously.. since he was making them on the fly) and proceeded to sing them in his “Kamal Hasan” voice all the way back to good ‘ol B’lore.. with me chipping in with a gutsy “Oye Hoye” now and then.

LOL! yes.. so this is how we celebrated Republic Day…singing Bengali songs in a Tam Actor’s voice, with Punjabi overtones ( or undertones ) by a Delhiite.. on a 2 hr drive back into the state of Karnataka.

If this is not national integration … then I don’t know what is! 🙂

… when there is no other “work”

1.  Sit with your blog open, staring blankly at the page called “New Post”… and wait for some great idea, some flash of light, some arbitrary bulb to light up, so that you write the most ground breaking post ever written.. (ahem.. obviously)

2.  Open the Dashboard, and then the ‘Stats’ page.. .and look at the numbers…  refresh every 2 mins. Wonder why there are no comments, and how is it that people visit and don’t comment.. and then realise that maybe you aren’t writing stuff that is comment worthy… and then remind yourself that you began your “New” blog because you wanted to write for the joy of writing… and then realise, what an idealistic moron you were. The older blog was getting some readers! And they are now Lost… F-O-R-E-V-E-R

3.  Ponder about going back to the older blog.. and realise how such moments of weakness are taking you away from your BIG goal.. a totally ANONYMOUS blog

4.  Try and analyze why you wanted your blog to be anonymous in the first place

5.  Remind yourself again that you wanted to write about a wider range of things

6.  Realise, that you aren’t writing anything on any wider a range of things than you were.  Ponder again whether you over estimated your capability as a blogger.  Realise that there is nothing called a “capable blogger” and that you need to open up your mind to include as many inputs from the environment as possible. Look around and try and find inspiration in the artificial “natural” light.

7.  Decide that the environment is uninspiring.. but you haven’t exactly climbed up the corporate ladder enough to have a glass cabin overlooking a lush green garden.

8.  Blame it all on Work of course! Actually.. the lack of it!

9.  Sigh! … Deeply….

10.  Go back to the “New Post” page… and re-start all this waiting.. watching and sighing business

Yes… my life is that interesting! 😀 

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