Wishes, dreams and desires


I’m at home, recuperating… will be back to work again tomm…

Its very difficult to explain how I’m feeling. There are hours when I’m cheerful, laughing, talking. In those phases I can rationally convince myself about how whatever happens, happens for the best. The past two months have been really trying. I’ve been anxious, and extra careful and google crazy.

… H and I were euphoric. We went about telling the world… and now, the same world faces us again…

… sometimes, like just now… its a trying time… I cannot make this dull ache go away, or not let my eyes mist over…

… there are babies all over facebook…cute, cuddly ones… and it just doesn’t seem fair. H would make such a wonderful dad

Learnt some lessons, putting them down: –

I am most probably going to quit this job, or at least definitely change my team. The new TL turned out to be a totally insensitive woman. Wouldn’t go into the details, but will definitely be shifting out.

Need to wait the first trimester out

Not taking stress, letting things happen in their own time, not trying to control all the aspects of my life

And how H is the most wonderful, caring, sensitive guy ever, and how I am blessed to have him in my life…

The importance of relationships… The importance of older people in the house, just to brighten it up. Its ironical, how we crave our independence, but we still need our parents around, like when we were babies ourselves, to help us come to grips with whatever life is dealing out to us.  To nurture, to comfort, to bring in some perspective…

Okay, I think this will be the last post on this matter, if I can manage it. I need to shake myself up and keep going.

Thanks for all the support and wishes that you sent out guys.. please do keep us in your good thoughts

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I had been waiting and waiting and not posting on the blog coz I just wanted to post the most important news for H and me before anything else.

I was pregnant and we were really really going along making so many plans around our little baby

But I have miscarried. Its a missed miscarriage, which is even more painful because it came with no warnings.

Its been a couple of days since I’ve known about it and I don’t feel as bad as I felt in the doc’s room when she told me there was no heart beat. I’m much better now, so please don’t worry.

Maybe it was part of God’s bigger plan.

 I’ve disabled comments on this one. I wrote about this coz I just felt I needed to.

Remember I told you guys that my best friend N is going away from India for like a 1.5 – 2 years?

Am sooooooper excited because I am using up the April 2- Good Friday long weekend and going to meet her! And I know it will be fun!

You know, as much as one feels happy about being married and living the good life with H, I still have these “longings” for things as they were pre-marriage ( Don’t ask me why… I’m crazy!) And as I have observed, these revolve around two things…..

1. Lack of male attention ( SS looks left – right furtively, to make sure no one looking at her sheepish expression waala face)

2. “Being my own person” – another theme I totally dig!

Ok, by my own submission, I have been the grateful (and haughty on most days!) receiver of a lot of attention of the male kind. I know am not being humble… trust me, am trying to!! Obviously post marriage, that “attention” has diminished. I really don’t know how guys make these things out? Its a part of their highly sophisticated female tracking system, methinks…. Face scan… retina scan… clothes scan… and kaboom!!!….Branded “Married”.

 How???

Obviously I am feeling pretty “ghar ka murgi” types right now.. or maybe I would’nt have written this post ..or if nothing else works we can always blame in on the hormones…I could really use an ego boost about my desirability! So any attention coming, from some intense sounding, filmy, Dark Handsome guy…. totally welcome! 😀

Ofcourse … I might add… all of the attentions will be ignored… me being happily married to H and all that. So ofcourse there is no incentive for any one who wishes to bestow their attentive gaze.. except for the nirmal aanand of the act of bestowing that gaze….”The journey is the reward”

Sigh!

But I digress….

Now to the main topic…..

The next lovely pleasant little thought that plays hide and seek with my mind is … “Being my own person”

You know… when one starts out in relationship, one is dying to be owned 🙂 Girl Friends go gaga over “possessive” boyfriends. Ofcourse.. that  passes… and suddenly you are back to craving your independance. Now the people who read my blog .. know that I happen to be a pretty sincere wife.  No seriously… I am! (ok… go ask H! :-/ )

In fact, I really wish at times that I was more selfish…. am not.  I get hassled with us having a lovely place to stay… about being relatively sociable.. about what we eat and our plans… and crazy as it sounds… sometimes I remember those times when I just thought of me myself alone.  There are soooo many things to balance now! The family, with festivals.. with relatives and friends and us.   Those were hassle free days… coz obviously I was caring for one person only…

…”Me”

😀

And so… I am going on a Girl’s Only holiday.  I am really really looking forward to it. I love Pune! loooooovvvee it! Ohhh the vada pavs, the misal pavs, the dabeli…. Marzorin….MG Road, JM Road, FC road.  The plan comprises “Eating” and “Shopping”  and random walks down memory lane 🙂

It will be back to “Being my own person” atleast for weekend!  Sometimes you can have the best of both worlds

..that being married to H…

..and being in Pune…. and rocking it.. with my best friend!

((happy smiles.. and Ms India type hand waving to the general audience)

😀 😀 😀

Sorry guys… took sometime before this post…I’ve been having thoughts and thoughts about “somethings” and though I really wanted to keep this off my blog, I am finally left with no option but to thrash it out.  I am hoping that with writing them down, I will be able to think clearly… coz right now I feel totally muddled!

Ok… so the deal is, that H and me have been discussing starting a family now. We figured that it was the right time…. after a long while H wasn’t stressed about work. After a long while I have settled down in a place 😀 and the home is more or less settled.  H wanted us to start planning 6 months into the marriage (the guy knows nothing about romance I’m telling you!), but then I wasn’t ready and there was so much happening around me already that we decided to wait. And now, when we are both in agreement, H wants us to really take this really seriously…. And on the other hand, I am mentally prepared that it might take a while.  And I just want to … let’s say… take things as they come, without too much planning or without unduely stressing on this particular aspect. Light and easy!

What has happened in the past few days is that I have got some great offers of assignments! Lovely onsite assignments…. New Zealand… Germany… the US…  and I honestly am keen on going. But now with the baby planning thing in my mind… I really don’t know whether I should take these up or no.  I never expected stop doing things that are a part of my job just because we were to start thinking of a family… I meant it to happen… not with a deadline in mind. H on the other hand, differs.  He is fine with short term assignments, but anything over a month and we have different opinions.

To add to that I have to deal with another set of thoughts which are as follows

1. H’s folks are keen on a grandchild, it would make them all really happy… that expectation stresses me out.

2. I don’t want to lose focus of my career. I don’t want to ‘set a tone’ where I am compromising. Would H stop going on client assignments coz we are planning?? Dunno… I have serious doubts.  I don’t want him behaving like an MCP, making a fuss about a couple of months of work.

3. If I don’t travel now… will I get a chance to… with a baby in the picture?

4. My ticking biological clock ( Trust me, I have tried and tried to convince myself that 1 year here or there doesn’t matter…I refuse to get convinced 😦 )

5. There is no surety of how much time it takes to concieve.

6. Uncertainty… what if I say yes to an assignment… that is to start in 20 days… then come to know that I am to have a baby… how will I handle that situation…..?

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that some of this is Gender Equality related. I call it my, “Career woman: I have equal rights” perception. I don’t want to be the girl who is seen as someone who ‘sacrificed’ her career for her family. I’ve worked hard to get to the place I am. I want to continue doing well. I am not able to stomach the fact that being a woman, my career has to take a back seat, or that I have to curb my aspirations to balance other aspects of my life, when the guy just goes about his normal routine and behaves like his work is “really important”… he just “has to” travel to places… just ‘has to’ stay back late and is just ‘too tired’ or ‘too stressed’ for career unrelated things, while I go about making teeny tiny adjustments each day that eat up more and more into my work time.

This loosely is the jumble of thoughts I’m entangled in, right now. Maybe this is the state of confusion life is going to be in for some time…. the typical working woman dilemma :-/

What do you guys say??

Yesterday we got to know that one of my batch mates got featured in a leading financial daily. And it got me so jealous that you can’t even imagine.  I was angry… and I wanted to shoot a sarcy smarty pants reply to some of my friends on the list… but I didn’t… and  for the next few hours… I could only think… “Damn… arrogant, no good, show off”… I recalled memories of this guy during classes… “Mr Know it all”… And the truth is… he wasn’t really talented. Not even good in studies… or in the way he thought about things…Just one of those guys who think they are good.

Maybe that arrogant confident worked for him…. Maybe it was pure luck that he got into assignments that propelled him forward… the truth is… I don’t think he deserves any of the accolades, promotions, assignments that he has been getting.

And I on the other hand… was the one winning all the case study competitions, all the debates, writing all the thought papers, and here I am, writing about being “detached” about my work.  

I felt ashamed of myself.  I felt like a loser hippocrite.

I was always unsure about the work I was doing… I have a feeling that I can do much more… and that my talent is not being used enough…but then… I never felt confident enough in my so-called talent to fight the system. I’ve never felt angry enough at not getting my due… and saying.. “Chuck it… your loss..” and then going and doing something so groundbreaking that it made everyone stand up and take notice.

I have just drifted along. I have adjusted…. Tried to look for positives… tried to be content, balancing everything in life. H, our life, our weekends, our health. On most days, this philosophy works. But on other days.. when I hear about fancy designations… and better work being dished out to people who I once bettered…it unsettles me.

I miss being that go-getter, I thought I would be, when I was younger. All the little adjustments I make in my routine to accomodate H… begin to rankle me… my role begins to rankle me… at home, and in office.  I rue all  the oppurtunities that I could have taken, and didn’t for one reason or the other.

Somehow, that passion for work has taken a beating. Dunno what has  happened to me… I was never like this! I was competitive, and smart, and fiery, and now I’m just a drifter. Maybe marriage has got something to do with it, but it would be unfair to blame it all on marriage. Its my motivation that’s gone… nothing interests me.

On most days I shrug this feeling aside… because heck… life is enjoyable and sunshiny and nice and I am doing a lot of things away from work that I love. I wish I could feel that way about work too…. and work as hard, as dedicately, as smartly and with as much passion as I could before…

I know I can’t work without passion.  And I don’t know whether to seek balance in my life or focus on that one thing called work. Every time I take sides… I end up missing the other.

What do you think can be done? Have you ever felt this way? What did you do?? Do you think the guys have an advantage??

Work front news. This year has started with me being super low on motivation. I have no will to come to office and every day I am in two minds between calling in sick, and leaving for work.  I wish I could shake myself up and just get all the pending things, all the deadlines done with, but somehow, there always seems to be something more interesting that I could be doing… heck… even cleaning up the house seems more fun! 🙂

It’s come to a point where I look at all the stay at home women, mom’s, grannies, kids… and I wish I could just leave my job this minute, and begin to have the leisurely, cozy, stressfree existence that these ladies seem to be enjoying… Its bright and sunny here in B’lore… and I’m in a super philosophical phase as well. I have a lot of unsettled thoughts buzzing around in my mind right now and I need to anchor them somewhere. The only place I can think of is.. the Blog

..like now…I am thinking of the lovely prospect of sitting out in the balcony, with the sun on my back … I want to prop my feet up to warm them in the rays of the sun… and I want to read books…and then nod off to sleep right there… warm as toast … Ah…see, I’m feeling happier already! I want to day dream… and pick up thoughts at random from my mind, and I want to ponder on them at leisure, sometimes with detachment, sometimes with regret, sometimes with contentment

I want to go for long drives, with Hubby driving… comfortable in the quiet that we share… balmy breeze, on wide, smooth roads, with open farms on each side, where the eye gets to see as far as it can.

Maybe even a nice long train journey, its been ages since I last went on one… the rattle of the train, the rhymthic movement of the bogies, the constant hum of the combined voices of many people, and in the distance, out of the window, hills, valleys, meadows, farms, cows, scarecrows, solitary huts, haystacks.. farmers.

Why do I have to be sitting in this office? With a crazy insecure manager, with ratings that do not justify the work I had done, in conditioned, circulated stale air and artificial “natural” lights, when life beckons… when there is so much to learn, to experience, to see? When I was much younger, I had these thoughts about “enjoying” the work that I was doing… and now it seems like, I am just working to enjoy. Its ironical… because with the schedules I keep, work is taking the enjoyment out of everything.

 Such is life!