You know…. am not the type of person who really makes friends virtually… but I am really feeling the love! 🙂

Thanks you guys! It feels amazing when you rant away and get hugged and be told that things will be okay… ofcourse they will be! And while they are still not so good… I know I have you guys to count on… for bringing sunshine

<< Hugs back>>  ( from a soooooper emo SS)

I sometimes exasperate myself with my own reactions to things…. I have these moments of glory.. where I introspect… and I realise that I really am not so sure on my own motivations for doing/not doing things.

Like for example… I marvel the people who are able to give their all to their careers. I’m jealous of their high profile lives, of their Blackberry phones and the extent of their responsibilities and the importance of the work they do. I would love to be that kind of person. I think I am in love with that image. That I have the qualifications to launch me into such a lifestyle makes things more difficult…. because one compares with ones peers and batchmates and one realises that one’s pace at reaching somewhere in one’s career… is just too slow.

One = SS 🙂

But then I also marvel women who just chuck the career… and decide to stay at home.  From my perspective, it takes an extremely secure or an extremely naive woman to do that. And I realise that I am neither.

I derive my sense of self from my work away from home. My individuality comes from my interactions with people outside of home, who give me a new perspective to things. If I ever had to sit at home… am sure I’d turn into a TV watching zombie with no self respect. So to me… leaving the career aside exudes power… it sends out the message that “hey.. I know what I want … I have nothing to prove”. 

Whereas I at some level, feel that I have to something to prove.. .that just my existing isn’t enough. I try and remember that there is more to me than my job… that I am a friendly, charming (cough.. cough), individual, a good friend, a great wife ( triple cough) and an awesom daughter / DIL.

Maybe its the societal pressure on woman… its weird… there is a pressure to conform… and there is a pressure to break the norm too! So poor people like me.. who like the best of both worlds… find themselves in justification mode at all times! Or in introspective mode!

I also marvel the women who are comfortable in their husbands’ success. I still need my own limelight for the reasons stated above.

I’ve been going on and on about this because of all the Worthless people, worthless work nonsense. I am trying to look out, but  somewhere deep inside … I’m so in my comfort zone with the company I work for. I don’t know what type of job to look for… the stretch job.. with the limelight… or the cool job.. with the work life balance?

Also… the “happening” job that would leave my colleagues in awe… or predictable… “gets me my daily bread, butter AND jam” types.

I sometimes wonder whether this job related introspection will ever get somewhere… or am I destined to feel dissatisfied with my career options for life! 😀

Now… my mom… an intensely spiritual and philosophical person that she is… believes that I should just go with the flow…. but I have realised… that I am a planning freak… and that I have to HAVE To have all things ironed out before I embark on any new process.

… which is a dilemma…. 😦

Its a long post… and if you guys are still with me…. what do you think?? 🙂

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There is something about lady bosses….. something really sad and pathetic…. and I’m sure I have the crummiest one yet

This is a lady who is so insecure about her position… that she has become an insufferable control freak. She wants to be looped in to everything…. keeps asking for updates by the minute… gets upset if you haven’t had a conversation with her for a day…

We guys have a history… the history being my miscarriage. I don’t think I can ever forget how insensitively she behaved. She kept guilt tripping me about all the assignments that the team was losing out on, because  I was unavailable.. about how I wasn’t someone she could count upon because I not be able to finish things… I was fickle and lazy.

I remember requesting her to allow me to work from home when things weren’t going well and she made me go on leave… to the point that I don’t have leaves for Diwali…

And that she had a “1 on 1” with me when I was still nursing my heart.. and body… and drove me to tears telling me that I had not taken tast A to its completion… (and this was while I was still miscarrying!)

…and the bl**dy insensitive b***ch that she is … today she brings up ‘Quarter 2’ in my performance appraisal discussion and tells me how I have not performed at all on X, Y, Z counts and asks me to prepare a list of things I did… to prove her otherwise…

…I’m so angry…. I wish that she gets to pay for this…. that God steps in and teaches her a lesson.

She needs some lessons in humanity and empathy and consideration. Hell… she needs to learn management!! I don’t know why they bring in underqualified people to wreck havoc on the rest.

… I’m going to stop ranting.. and do something… and I will keep you guys posted…

Picture this…

SS (A long way off from home… in a remote corner of the world)

SS: I must call H… dunno how he is managing… poor guy… no proper food
(Calls H feeling extremely guilty and mushy)

H: Ithu Chennai Chennai superkings

SS: Hello… what happened…

H: Watching the match… talk to you later!

SS: (Change of tactics)

SS: Okay… Anyways I have to be going to… I have to meet Rajshekharan

H: Who is Rajshekharan??

SS: Nice guy… he’s coming over to the hotel room…we’ve got to discuss some things

H: He’s coming to the room??

SS: Yup

H:… Okkkaaaay…. (pause)

SS: Chalo then… cya…

H: No … no… talk to me….you didn’t even ask about my dinner…

SS: What happened to the match? You watch the match.. I’ll call up later…
( See the length of this conversation …. now! And this is after the “talk to you later”

SS: Rajshekharan and I will meet in the lobby… okay you idiot?

H: Uh… okay.. but why so late in the night?

SS: Urgent work.. he’s a funny guy (rubs it in)

H: Okkkkaaaaaay…. (longer pause). You still haven’t asked me about dinner

SS: What did you have for dinner?

H: I had Xyz… I love you

SS: Ya.. okay… ( dismissively yours… SS)

H: Okay???

SS: Sweetie.. did I tell you that there is no Rajshekharan! Go to sleep now! 😀

Men… men … men!

😀 😀 😀

I can’t believe I’ve been away so many days without thinking about the blog… especially since there are so many things I could have written about too.

Sunshine world is all sunshiny at this point in time.. I’m just back from a totally rockingly awesome weekend. We had friends over again from Mumbai and there was another friends wedding so over the weekend, we kinda met people from college and from PG and friends of friends and friends of those friends 🙂

I’ve got to see two wives of two friends I’ve never met before… and despite me being judgemental me about things like these… I liked them!

….maybe I’m mellowing down! (Damn!)

and becoming a good hostess maybe too!

We also savoured really good southie and northie food… and from that angle too.. life is bliss..

…and I didn’t even hate coming to office today morning!

Okay…. this is looking like a no – context post from a gushing brainless teenager. I know I have better things to say….

I mean.. world peace…. philosophy.. etc etc… except that you would probably have to wait for more of my well thought out type of posts to come… But in the meanwhile… this is just for an update …. and to keep the blogging tradition going

Take care you guys!

PS: Don’t really count on that post about philosophy.. world peace.. etc… okay?!?!

The great thing about being married is that there are someone to push you into doing things, that you would otherwise not considered as options…

… like driving crazy distances over a short weekend, when you could be sitting at home, resting your bum on a bean bag,  twiddling your thumbs and wondering about vague things, that one can’t even recall later… like world problems, like what finally happened in Inception, like when was the last time you cleaned the fridge… you get the drift…. the important stuff… (That was a pretttty long sentence!)

So all thanks to ever enthusiastic H, I was armwrestled, guilt tripped, and packed into the car by force of huge tantrums… and taken away to Wayanad… ( obviously I’m at my literary best today…. and obviously no one can pack 68 kgs of me into any kind of car using any kind of force… not even Superman… not even H :D)

We were supposed to start of bright and early at 4:30 – 5:00 am in the morning on Saturday and as H says it… its all thanks or no thanks to me that we finally left at 6:00 with H in a surly mood, about how I always get him late and all that. Having fought for the first 1/2 hr in the car, we kinda realised that it wasn’t worth the effort ( yup.. that happens to you when you’ve known each other as long as we have!) and chucked the fighting and concentrated on the view instead.

Did  I mention that I love long drives? I luuurvve them. I the sort of person who derives more fun from the process of reaching some place, rather than reaching it and  then focussing on the “views”. I like to drift off, and sing songs, and crack jokes, and abruptly come up with extremely philosophical and pertinent questions… sample this….

SS to H: Sweety, have you ever thought of way it is that dogs always do it doggie style? I’m sure they could try the other styles too… don’t you think??

H: You are crazy…

SS: No seriously… think about it..

(Yes, sometimes I’m weird like that)

……………………………………………..

H  to SS : Accha tum hindi songs gao… main usey English mein translate karoonga

SS: Daddy cool cool cool… mera beta fool fool fool

H : Ismey hindi kahaan hai?

……………………………………………………..

H to SS : Yeh Kamal Hasan bollywood mein kyun nahi chal saka…

SS: Nahin… movies toh hit thin… Ek dooje ke liye…. Saagar….

H: Haan, har movie mein mar jaata tha… shayad isliye

………………………………………………………

SS: I think Mohan Lal is cute

H : SS, he is fat, and hairy and old..

SS: No seriously, he looks masculine… “take care” sorts

H: You have completely lost it!

…………………………………………………………….

It was nice and rainy on a large part of our journey, especially the stretch around Bandipur National Park. And on the way, we saw sunflowers and fields of marigold… set against the back drop of misty hills, lush green meadows, and stark grey, rainwashed roads… it was Divine!

We stayed overnite at Kalpetta, and more than the stay, we were really on the road, visiting Pookote Lake, and Karapuzha dam, and Meenmutti Falls. But more than these places themselves…  I think we enjoyed our drive down winding roads, tea gardens on each side, we enjoyed each other’s company and our silence (it is so nice when you fall in love with your best friend 🙂 )

It was a hectic weekend, but really refreshing and totally memorable.

Will add pictures to this post tonight.  But the pictures are never half as pretty as the real thing!

Edited to Add : Pictures!

Enroute to Wayanad

Tea Gardens

Pookote Lake

View from our balcony

I’m at home, recuperating… will be back to work again tomm…

Its very difficult to explain how I’m feeling. There are hours when I’m cheerful, laughing, talking. In those phases I can rationally convince myself about how whatever happens, happens for the best. The past two months have been really trying. I’ve been anxious, and extra careful and google crazy.

… H and I were euphoric. We went about telling the world… and now, the same world faces us again…

… sometimes, like just now… its a trying time… I cannot make this dull ache go away, or not let my eyes mist over…

… there are babies all over facebook…cute, cuddly ones… and it just doesn’t seem fair. H would make such a wonderful dad

Learnt some lessons, putting them down: –

I am most probably going to quit this job, or at least definitely change my team. The new TL turned out to be a totally insensitive woman. Wouldn’t go into the details, but will definitely be shifting out.

Need to wait the first trimester out

Not taking stress, letting things happen in their own time, not trying to control all the aspects of my life

And how H is the most wonderful, caring, sensitive guy ever, and how I am blessed to have him in my life…

The importance of relationships… The importance of older people in the house, just to brighten it up. Its ironical, how we crave our independence, but we still need our parents around, like when we were babies ourselves, to help us come to grips with whatever life is dealing out to us.  To nurture, to comfort, to bring in some perspective…

Okay, I think this will be the last post on this matter, if I can manage it. I need to shake myself up and keep going.

Thanks for all the support and wishes that you sent out guys.. please do keep us in your good thoughts

I had been waiting and waiting and not posting on the blog coz I just wanted to post the most important news for H and me before anything else.

I was pregnant and we were really really going along making so many plans around our little baby

But I have miscarried. Its a missed miscarriage, which is even more painful because it came with no warnings.

Its been a couple of days since I’ve known about it and I don’t feel as bad as I felt in the doc’s room when she told me there was no heart beat. I’m much better now, so please don’t worry.

Maybe it was part of God’s bigger plan.

 I’ve disabled comments on this one. I wrote about this coz I just felt I needed to.